Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Admiting, accepting, advancing

Okay so it is now day 11 in my newly single life. I still can't say as I like it all that much but I am a survivor and I will be okay. This week and a half has left a lot of room for thought, reflection, soul searching and yes even growth. Anyone familiar with any 12 step program knows that the first step is admitting that there is a problem that you are powerless over and that your life is unmanageable.

Well I am at that point, the problem is life as a whole and I am powerless over pretty much everything right now, my life is in shambles and was utterly unmanageable just days ago. I have come to the realization that while it is still in shambles I can manage it one day at a time don't ask me what my plans are for next week as at this point I can't look that far ahead without getting lost. The only thing I know for sure is that I am reapplying for college, it was something that I have been thinking about and toying with for awhile and I am just going to bite the bullet and do it.

Then there is the Serenity Prayer; God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I am accepting that I can not change the things that have happened. The breakup is not going to be over and she isn't going to want me back. What I can change is how I look at it, and what my roll in the future will be. I can change my actions, thoughts and ideas for today and that is all.

I have come to realize that we had a lot of problems that I just chose to ignore. Thus causing them to build and escalate over time. I am really sorry that was the path took and if I had it to do all over again I would change that but I don't. I have realized that I often took Dawn for granted and that was not fair to her and was highly inappropriate. Dawn if you do happen to read this please know that I truly am very sorry. Dawn often said that she didn't always want to have to be the grown-up, I didn't get it. I have realized that while I am an adult I am not sure I know how to be a grown-up, well it is sink or swim time and I need to learn and FAST!!

For now I am living one day at a time and that is the very best I can do. I love her deeply and I know and am trying to let her go.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

unwelcome changes

Life as I have known it for the last eight years is over. Most of you also read Dawn's stuff over at Weldable Cookies, so you probably already know that she broke up with me on Friday and I moved out on Saturday. This was completely unexpected, yes we have been having some rough times and nearly broke-up last month but we had been closer and more involved with each other in that last month then we probably had been all of the previous year. I really thought we were going to be okay, to me she was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Now I don't have her, our life, our home, or our "fur kids". I was floundering before the break-up on what to do with life. I had just been denied disability again, and I had been pretty hopeful about this application and the physical that took place that I would be approved and have some money coming in, now I really don't know. I guess she was right a couple of months ago when she declared that I needed to go back to work whether I could handle it or not. For the next two months I have a place to be and no real expenses but I need to move on by St. Patrick's Day and without income that is going to be difficult.

Yesterday I had a wonderful day, went to a noontime al-anon meeting that was amazing, took a wonderful bubble bath with aroma therapy bubbles, went and saw some friends, my little sister took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant(which was OUR favorite restaurant), went to an evening meeting and then stopped and picked up some Ben and Jerry's on the way back to the house.

Today I am miserable. I am so emotional I want to scream, cry and throw-up but none of those things will actually come out. I want to be angry that she has done this to me, that she gave up on us, and most of all that she has done it so nicely, no fighting, no screaming, no get out NOW, no I want all traces of you gone from my life. That is the type of break-up I am used to. I feel guilty that I let her down, that I didn't live up to her expectations and that I was so needy that I sucked away her soul. I want to hold and squeeze Quinn and make her make her happy little pig noises but leaving her hurts so bad that I am afraid to see her.

Last night I saw Dawn across a parking lot and the pain was amazing but at the same time the attraction was so intense like back before we got together when I thought she was way out of my league I wanted her so badly but never thought I could have her, now I know I can't have her anymore. I keep hoping that maybe somehow we will find our way through this and back together, it is obvious that she is hurting too read her latest post and you will see. However she does not see that as a possibility.

I looked up the 7 stages of grief because really that is what I am going through this is a death of our relationship of everything that we have built over the last nearly eight years. I am guessing that I am somewhere in the first 3 stages and that there is a lot more pain and suffering to go before I'm done.

Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.