Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Admiting, accepting, advancing

Okay so it is now day 11 in my newly single life. I still can't say as I like it all that much but I am a survivor and I will be okay. This week and a half has left a lot of room for thought, reflection, soul searching and yes even growth. Anyone familiar with any 12 step program knows that the first step is admitting that there is a problem that you are powerless over and that your life is unmanageable.

Well I am at that point, the problem is life as a whole and I am powerless over pretty much everything right now, my life is in shambles and was utterly unmanageable just days ago. I have come to the realization that while it is still in shambles I can manage it one day at a time don't ask me what my plans are for next week as at this point I can't look that far ahead without getting lost. The only thing I know for sure is that I am reapplying for college, it was something that I have been thinking about and toying with for awhile and I am just going to bite the bullet and do it.

Then there is the Serenity Prayer; God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I am accepting that I can not change the things that have happened. The breakup is not going to be over and she isn't going to want me back. What I can change is how I look at it, and what my roll in the future will be. I can change my actions, thoughts and ideas for today and that is all.

I have come to realize that we had a lot of problems that I just chose to ignore. Thus causing them to build and escalate over time. I am really sorry that was the path took and if I had it to do all over again I would change that but I don't. I have realized that I often took Dawn for granted and that was not fair to her and was highly inappropriate. Dawn if you do happen to read this please know that I truly am very sorry. Dawn often said that she didn't always want to have to be the grown-up, I didn't get it. I have realized that while I am an adult I am not sure I know how to be a grown-up, well it is sink or swim time and I need to learn and FAST!!

For now I am living one day at a time and that is the very best I can do. I love her deeply and I know and am trying to let her go.

No comments: